I would be hiding something from you if I didn’t admit that there are not-so-good days when one has cancer. The day I was diagnosed, I made a choice. Out of two options, I chose to be positive instead of negative. I vowed to myself that no matter what lied ahead, I was going to be strong and I was going to persevere. I was not going to assume the worst. I was going to keep an open mind and an open heart. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was a spiritual being living a human experience instead of a human being living a spiritual experience. No matter what was happening to my body, my soul felt invincible, and I’ve been holding onto these vows ever since.
There’s a couple quotes that have been applicable to my life lately.
- When it rains, it pours.
- The will is tested by having nothing happen at once or having everything happen all at once.
Lately, I’ve felt like a lot is going on. Something as serious as cancer really opens up a lot of cracks in one’s life, and rather than see these cracks as destructive, I’m doing my best to see them as a place for light to shine through. The complexity of life and the constant of change have become very obvious to me, and never before have I focused so intently on staying in the present moment. I’ve been meditating and learning how to note when my mind is thinking versus feeling. Like rubbing a feather on a crystal glass, I gently remind myself when I have strayed, and I come back to the present. I come back to my breath, and I rest assured that I am making my way through this journey, and I am going to be victorious. I’m already halfway there.
Yes, there are some moments when I feel horribly sad or sorry for myself. My mind tempts me with questions like, why me? Why must I have to experience cancer? I see everyone living carefree, and a pang of jealously hits me. I hear discussions going on and I want to shake people and tell them that whatever they are worried about does not matter. Life is too short and too precious. The little things are all that matter. Love matters. Beauty and joy and humor and compassion matter. When I am better, my life will be forever changed in how I live and why I live. I am already practicing these changes, and I am grateful that the low moments pass and the high moments prevail.
To anyone out there who is battling cancer or supporting someone battling cancer, know this – you are stronger than you think. You have so much life surrounding you and no matter how dark things may seem, the light is coming. A better day is always coming.