I haven’t really felt like myself lately. I’m caught in somewhat of a purgatory – just waiting for answers that may only come with time. I am trying to be patient, but I am just so anxious to be tested again. What does my PET scan show now? What does my MRI show now? How do these results compare to what we saw back in November? Am I cancer free? When can you say I am cancer free?
So many questions …
In two months, I will be going into the final phase of my transformation. I’ll be removing my breasts and saying goodbye to a version of my body that I’ve had for the past 29 years. My breasts are small. They always have been, and I’ve never been attached to them. The decision to get rid of my breasts comes easy to me because I don’t associate my breasts with my sexuality or femininity. In fact, when I was first diagnosed, I shocked everyone by saying I wanted a double mastectomy, no questions asked. The reconstruction part is exciting to me, and all I want is a healthy and proportional chest. I want the hair on my head to come back. I want long eyelashes and full eyebrows. I am ready to meet a new version of myself, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to rebuild a strong body. I am so much more than my body, and I want to do everything I can to take care of it pre-surgery and post-surgery.
I started exercising again this week for the first time since November, and I cried for joy when I was running. Who would have ever thought?! I loved feeling the wind blow in my little baby hairs, and I loved feeling the blood rush through my veins. There’s something so strange about losing control over your body. I didn’t tell my body to have cancer, and I couldn’t tell it to get rid of the cancer. I had to just wait… and I am still waiting for everything to be healed. While I am starting to move a bit more, I still have a long way to go. Running reminded me that there are things we can do to take care of ourselves. We can exercise and we can eat well. Even though I am still finishing up chemotherapy, I’m going to start getting the ball rolling. I’ve been stagnant for long enough, and I’m ready to create Estee 2.0.
I have changed. I am still changing.
I must keep going despite how I am feeling.
I must persevere through the darkness for the light that awaits is brighter than anything I’ve ever seen.