Late Night Thoughts

Today I finished my 2nd treatment of Taxol and Carboplatin. Only 10 more to go! As I mentioned in a previous post, this treatment regimen is much easier to manage than “the red devil.” I still don’t have as much energy and I’m fatigued and prone to bouts of nausea, but I am learning that all physical sensations pass. In the moments when I don’t feel well, I channel my energy into the blue sky and the goodness that is still in my body. I rally the cellular troops to keep fighting and every single time, the sensations pass and I’m back to feeling semi-normal again.

I came across a quote the other night from a fellow survivor on Instagram and she said, ” You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that my love, is Bravery.”  The quote could not have come to me at a more fitting time. I’ve been having some insomnia, and I was beginning to feel really beat down by the journey. Late nights have been spent thinking a lot, but after reading this quote, I felt invigorated to keep going. I began to shift my mind to not focus on “eleven more weeks of chemo” but “today with chemo.” I also began to think, wow … I thought I had life figured out, and I don’t. Here’s what I’ve been thinking in those late nights:

Life is not about control. Life is about going with the flow. If I can develop the skill set to go with the flow instead of the skill set to be in control, I’m going to go much farther and be much more peaceful. 

The people who have things together are the people who know how to react. Bad things are going to happen. Unexpected things are going to happen. Those who make it out alive are those who know how to react when tragedy or trauma strike. They can cope. I want to always be developing my coping skills.

Contrary to the opening line in #2, I will never have things together. I can strive for some sort of stability, but change is always going to occur. Change is a good thing. I can work towards building stability but I must also be open to change.

There is black. There is white. There is gray. Life happens in the gray, and the beautiful thing about gray is that there are options for shades. These options are what make people unique and life special. Enough of the black and enough of the white. I am interested in maintaining a balance rather than pushing towards an extreme. 

The essential aspects of life are this: having shelter, warmth, food, and companionship. Everything else is excess. I want to be aware of these aspects and practice gratitude for them each and every day. 

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