172 days ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
157 days ago, I received my first treatment of chemotherapy.
I began a journey that no one really wants to begin, and I can’t believe I am saying this, but – this journey has been the best thing to happen to me. For the first 28 years of my life, I spent a lot of time and effort trying to be good, to be successful, to be right. I followed the rules. I appreciated order. I felt if I could control something from happening, I might as well. I was cautious and obedient. I am still many of these qualities, but my time and effort has been refocused. Life is messy and life is unpredictable. I am no longer interested in “controlling” anything because I can’t. Things are going to happen and life is about harnessing your reaction to its unpredictable nature.
How are you going to react when you receive a phone call that you have cancer? How are you going to react when your heart is broken? How are you going to react when you lose your job? How are you going to react when your pet is sick? How are you going to react when someone you love dies? How are you going to react when adversity strikes?
That’s what your life should be about.
172 days ago, I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer. I sat in an oncologist’s office, surrounded by white walls and anxious energy. My dad was somewhere outside, praying. My mom and my brother were quietly holding hands. Brett sat bravely next to me as we waited for a prognosis, and when all was said and done … the time frame was about six months of chemotherapy – a very daunting task but one that I had no choice except to face.
And here I am … 157 days later … ready to receive my 16th and final treatment tomorrow. I am more present than I have ever been. I don’t take things so seriously anymore. I see life as a wild ride, and if my seatbelt isn’t always buckled, it’s okay. I look people in the eyes when I meet them because we are all the same. We all want to be happy. We all want to be healthy, and we all want to be loved. I can’t say for sure what is going to happen next, and I’m okay because I’m here in the moment, and the moment is all I have.