Today, I feel guilty.
I feel guilty that I’ve survived breast cancer. I think of all of the women who don’t make it out of this ugly disease, and I feel … devastated. To go through everything I’ve went through and not make it? The thought is a lot to process.
I remember when I was finishing up in the infusion center, one of the nurses told me about “survivor’s guilt,” and I thought I could never feel guilty. I would always feel grateful. I still feel grateful that I have survived, and today, I also feel a sense of guilt. I am working to transform the guilt into drive. If I have made it out of breast cancer, then I better do something with my life. I better keep going and not look back. I still have work to do, and I must go on. We don’t know what happens when we die. We also don’t what is going to happen tomorrow, one hour from now, one second from now.
Being told I had cancer made me wonder, “If my body gives out, am I happy with what I have done in my life?” I don’t think it matters that I was so young. Whether I am 28 or 88, I better make sure I am happy with what I am doing with my life. I can feel guilty, and then I can let it go because to wallow in any emotion is a waste of precious time.
And we are not going to live forever.